Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
A/N- I would like to thank Eclectic Pet my awesomely awesome beta for helping me to revise this drabble! This is a short piece I wrote for a drabble challenge for a Hermione/Voldemort forum I am a member of. It is meant to be silly and nothing more. Hope it makes you laugh.
It has come to my attention that you are the one intercepting my weekly post from my parents. This will stop immediately. As I’m sure you would never eat food a muggle made, you will return all articles taken from these owls. If you do not comply to this demand I will be forced to take further action.
~Hermione Jean Granger
“Forced to take further action”? What are you going to do? Tell a teacher on me? It hasn’t really worked out for you in the past, why do you think it would work now? No. I think I will keep taking whatever I want from you. Cooking and preparing food is one of the few things muggles are good for. Please tell your mother to send more raspberry jam, I’m running low.
Dear Mr. My Ego Suffocates My Brain,
Unlike some people I do learn from the past. My plans have nothing to do with telling a teacher. This is your last warning before you will be truly sorry for stealing from me. Return everything that you you haven’t already eaten, or else!
~The Person Who Received a Better Arithmancy OWL than You
Dear Miss I Need To Be Shown What A Mudblood’s Mouth is Good For,
You have truly frightened me with your last note. I am quivering with fear of what someone like you will do to me. Or not. If you really wish for the return of your objects I would want something in return. So I will make you a deal. For each one of the tasks you complete from the list below I will return one letter or item. I can’t really tell you how much I will have to give back as my supplies lowers and rises depending on what your parents send.
- Go a whole class you share with Slytherin without raising your hand.
- Tame that bush you call hair for one whole day.
- Go without visiting the library for one whole day.
- Go without talking back to or insulting any Slytherin for one whole day.
- Come over to the Slytherin table during any meal and kneel at my feet where you belong.
~The Person Who is Still First in Our Year
If you really think I would do a single thing on that stupid list you have another thing coming. You really need to get over yourself. Your tasks are either self serving, insulting, downright degrading, or all of the above! Get a life and just give me back whatever you have left!
~Not One of Your Minions
Dear Miss I’m Cute When I’m Angry,
First I think it is unfair to call me a pervert when it is your mind that turned anything I said in my last letter sexual. I certainly don’t know how you could have perceived any of my words in that context. I am hurt with whatever vulgar meaning you may have given my words. Fortunately I have those homemade biscuits to enjoy my jam on. Do thank your mother for me.
~Your Future Master
I warned you.
Dear Miss Begging to be Punished,
I am not pleased with whatever juvenile hex you used to make the Head Boy’s chambers smell the way it does. If you do not reverse the effects immediately I will be forced to take actions you will not enjoy. If the smell is not gone by dinner you will be the one who is sorry.
~The One Who WIll Make You Scream
Dear Mr. Smelly,
I don’t know what you are talking about. It doesn’t smell any different in the hall to me. Are you sure it isn’t just you? The Head Girl’s chambers hasn’t been affected at all. Maybe you left something bad under your bed.
P.S. Maybe it is something that my parents sent. If you return everything I am sure the smell will go away.
Dear Miss Granger,
I have decided to be the more mature party and return all articles of food I have taken from your owls. If you wish them returned meet me alone in the seventh floor corridor on the left.
All my knickers have mysteriously disappeared from my dresser. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that?
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