Category Archives: Thoughts

In this section I will share my random thoughts about being a submissive.

Aug28

Inspiration

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So my work took me off the grid for the last two weeks with as very small window in my office last weekend.  For this reason my post is coming much later in the day than it has been.  Next week we should be back on schedule.  This week I am posting another chapter of Shame’s Desire! I hope everyone enjoys!

So inspiration is very important to any writer or artist of any kind I guess.  Inspiration can mean a drive to actually work on something, a new idea for a story, or even an idea to continue a story one is already working on.  Whatever form it takes being inspired is usually a good thing for any creative type.  For me, being inspired brightens my whole day.

I don’t think I have a single source of inspiration for the things that I write.  the simple drive to write is based on many things.  I always feel better when I’ve spent a day writing, or even an hour.  But when I’ve feeling depressed or sick, I don’t feel inspired to write, even though I know it would probably make me feel better.  I’m a morning writer myself.  I am always most inspired to work on my writing when I first get up.

I know new story ideas are the bane of many readers existence.  I’ve been right there with you when I just want a writer to finish a story, and here they are starting a new one.  As I’ve said before I get a lot of new ideas all the time, but I try to pare them down and finish old things before I start new.  But when I get what I think is a great idea, I am thankful for it.  Besides for those ideas already working around my head, I actually really enjoy getting promps from a challenge, or my readers, and turning it into a full story.  Late this year, or early next year, I may start accepting such promps from you guys if you are interested.  But before I do that I want to have Shame’s Desire complete and Sound of Submission well on it’s way.

Now I have to day I love when I idea inspired to continue an open story.  Sometimes I’ll start a story thinking it is going in one direction, and I hit a chapter or two where I start to struggle, then inspiration hit, and I know exactly what the characters should be doing which ends up taking them in a completely knew direction than I thought.

For me there is no idea physical thing that inspires any of this.  It mainly comes from inside, and the shifting desires of my brain.  It is why I usually call this inspirational force within me my muse.  It is from inside my own head, but at the same time it can feel very separate from me.  It’s spastic and unpredictable, and I sometimes I have to worship at it’s alter in order to get it moving.  Though I will say, comments and reviews always seem to help. 😉

Aug21

Consent

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This week I am posting chapter 17 of Shame’s Desire for your enjoyment!  Next week is going to be a bit rough.  If I can I will post Sunday morning like usually, but because of my real life job it the post may not come till the afternoon or evening.  I will be posting chapter 18 of Shame’s Desire on that day so you have something to look forward to.

Now I have talked about consent before in my blog and replying to comments and reviews.  But I thought it was a very serious subject that could use more attention.

I feel the need to start this conversation by telling you my feelings on consent in a real world setting.  There is a saying used within communities I am a part of “Consent is Key.”  This means that no interactions should happen without consent by both parties.  You don’t even hug someone without asking if that is okay with them.  Without consent you are in some ways attacking that person, and yes I even mean the hug.  If someone doesn’t want a hug, you are violating their personal space by giving them that hug, and that is an attack.

Some like to say that in a BDSM relationship consent is more important, because of the nature of what that relationship is.  But I disagree.  I think consent is just as important with any relationship.  It is just that in the world of BDSM we talk about it a whole lot more because of the nature of what we do.  I head people say that the key to a good BDSM relationship is really talking about what each person wants from the relationship.  But again I think that is actually the key to any good relationship.  It is simply that because of the nature of a BDSM relationships we tend to do this because of there can be higher risks involved in some scenes we may participate in.  I guess what I am saying is that we talk about consent a lot in BDSM but we need to remember it is important in any relationship.

Now that being said…

If you have read almost any of my stories you know that my work doesn’t really reflect the above rambles.  Many of the relationships in my stories are non-consensual.  The sub hardly ever gets to stop anything that is happening to them.  My stories are NOT examples of healthy relationships.  Rather they are dark fantasies.  They are more a refection of what a sub or Dom may wish to play out in a scene.

It is true that many of the sub characters end up enjoying what is happening to them, but that doesn’t make what the Dom characters are doing any better.  For example in Smell of Submission I spend a lot of time talking about how Harry is just trying to get Hermione to realize what she really wants.  In a fictional world he resides in his tactics are Dark, and manipulative, but maybe not exactly evil.  In the real world I world consider his tactics reprehensible and call him a cult leader.

I know many would say (Because I have been told directly) that putting these kinds of non-consensual relationships in fiction in a context where they seem normal is wrong.  That doing so just supports rape culture and makes the world a less safe place.  I obviously disagree.  I feel that people have fantasies that are clearly unhealthy to live out.  And I feel that a healthy outlet for these fantasies are in reading, writing, and expression them in ways that bring no harm to any real person.

This worry that we have about people reading, watching, or playing something that will make them feel it is okay to go out and do violence against another person is frustrating.  It belittles the real problems and the real sources of this violence.  People who look to adult fiction, video games, or TV for moral lessons are already lost.  They need help and guidance.  But that is a whole other post…

Read, watch, play anything you want.  Just remember in the real world.  Respect is Important, and Consent is Key.

 

Aug7

Favorite Authors

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So let me start by saying that today I will be posting His Blood-Chapter 4.  But I do have good news for those who are interested in my Shame’s Desire!  I have written the first draft to four chapters.  Right now I am working on editing them so they aren’t ready to publish, but they are on their way :D.

This week I decided to wanted to talk about my favorite fan-fiction authors.  Obviously I like fan-fiction and nothing inspires me more to write than to read something good.  So I wanted to take some time to talk about my top three favorites.

Rrabbit (ff.net)(aff.org)-

The very top of this list would have to be a author known as rrabbit on fanfiction.net.  Her fan-fiction is mostly focused on a pairing between Draco and Ginny.  There are many reasons she is at the very top of my list and her skill as a writer is only one of them.  The first thing I read by her was a story called Envy and Manipulation.  I remember the first time I read the epic story and that it got me through a lot of late nights of serious insomnia I was having at the time.

Somehow her stories reminded me how much I liked to write.  In fact without her writing I don’t think I would have returned to writing myself.  Quidditch Lessons would have done unfinished and this website would not exist.

Her stories have a dark tone to them, and she is very good at respecting that darkness.  Rape happens in her work, but it is never sugar coated or ignored.  Horrible things have lasting emotional consequences in her work and tends to make for interested and broken characters.

Her stories are very long not only by fan-fiction standards, but but novel standards.  But this is something I really like about her work as well.  Whenever she finishes a chapter now, I tend to savor it like one would savor fine chocolate.

Out of the stories she has posted on-line my favorite would have to be her series that starts with Hate is Such a Strong Word.  Now that story is listed as a prequel to I’m Yours but since they literally leave off and then pick up on the same scene, the prequel is worth just reading first.  These first two stories focus on the lives of Draco and Ginny and the abusive relationship between them.  She is a prisoner of war when she is forced into the marriage, but nothing is ever so easy as black and white.  The third and fourth stories in the series focus a lot more their kids, but they are definitely worth reading as well.  They end up having four kids together and I really like how she has the two grow up and mature.

Nerys (ff.net)(aff.org)-

Nerys has to be my second favorite and she is singularly responsible for me even considering pairing Hermione with Lord Voldemort.  All those short stories and drabbles I’ve written with this pair are actually for a forum she helps to run.

Before I started to read her work I really didn’t like the pair very much.  I was confused why Lord Voldemort would ever hook up with the embodiment of everything he hates, and why would the brightest witch of her age ever fall for an evil controlling megalomaniac?  Before reading her work I saw a lot of pieces where they just made it so Hermione was a “secret pureblood” which didn’t really satisfy me very well.  Then I started reading The Prisoner and I was hooked.  After the first chapter I remember blinking to myself and thinking “Well shit… that is how that is done.”

After that I started reading everything she wrote.  I even joined her forum so that I could get suggestions on other well written stories with this pairing.  Joining the forum also allowed me to start working on my own pieces between this pair, and since that pair ranked 3rd in the poll I did last week I guess you guys are happy with that fact.

My favorite story by her is an unfinished story called The Apprentice, though I have to say The Prisoner (which is also unfinished) comes in a close second.  In this story Hermione is forced to work as Lord Voldemort’s apprentice in order to join a secret society of very powerful wizards.  There are many characters in this story that I really like, not just the main two.  I enjoy the glimpse one gets inside Dumbledore and even Grindelwald.  I find it to be a fun story with pretty dark themes and enjoyable smut.

Freya Ishtar (ff.net)(aff.org)-

Now my third pick is the hardest to choose actually.  There are a lot of authors I like out there and though the one and two spots are pretty firmly held, the third spot shifts much more often.  After much thought I decided Freya Ishtar wins this spot because I always end up going back to her work.  She writes mostly Draco Hermione stories but she does put other characters in as well.  Lucius and Blaise places regularly.

I think the first story I read by her was on aff.org and is no longer up for whatever reason.  It was about Draco blackmailing both Hermione and Harry into doing sexy things with him.  Soon after I read the start of one of her stories called Lessons and Hedonism about a three way relationship between Draco, Blaise, and Hermione.  It is fun, but still unfinished.

Something I both love and hate about Freya is the fact that she has so many ideas.  She literally has 30 stories started on ff.net and very few of them are finished.  If you think I am bad about finishing things you need to check out her page!  Though everything she writes is fun and good, it always makes me pout to see she has started something new.

My favorite story by her would have to be Diabolic.  A victorian era piece with Tom and Draco as vampires who seem to be slowly corrupting Hermione the innocent governess.  Though all of her stories are worth reading finishes or not.

Jul31

A bit New

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Today I am posting Chapter 3 of His Blood but I have a bit more to talk about than that.

I know I haven’t spent a lot of time on this blog actually writing blog posts.  Last week was an anomaly but it felt a bit good for me.  Many of my posts have been really just announcements that I have a new chapter posted.  I’ve decided to change that.  I’ve decided I am going to try and give you a new blog post each week as well as a story update.

These blog posts will probably be sorted into one of three categories, with a lot of cross over among the three.  I see this blog being about writing, BDSM, and obviously Harry Potter fan-fiction.  So each week I plan to write something a bit more substantial that has to do with one or more of these categories.  I don’t really have a plan on what I will be writing each week but except that they will relate to one of these categories.

One thing I have been thinking a lot about recently is the fact I tend not to stick to a particular pairing in my writing.  For me any pair is free game as long as the fit the story I want to tell.  Now a lot of times this means there are some things that these pairings have in common.  I tend to pair off dark dominate men with with heroic submissive women.  This isn’t because I think that all men are dark or all women are submissive.  I match these pairs and write stories this way simply because this is the combination that I enjoy telling stories about.

I think I may have mentioned last week that I feel like my broader collection of pairings actually ends up impairing my ability to gain more readers.  My total lack of any real writing ability doesn’t help either I’m sure.  Sometimes I consider limiting myself more and focusing on one pair.  But this I have to think of who that would be and the very idea of having to choose makes my head spin.

If I went purely by the numbers of hits I get to different stories I would have to say Hermione/Harry as Smell of Submission gets more hits than any other work by a lot.  But here is a dirty little secret of mine… The golden trio are my least favorite characters to write about.  I have two main reasons for this.  First is that I think it is a whole lot easier for me to mess them up.  They are the main characters of the cannon books, so you get to know them pretty well.  Lesser fleshed out characters are much easier to make into what I need them to be for the story.  The second reason is that I feel like we got a whole series of following them around already.  They’ve had their time in the limelight, lets give someone else a chance!

That isn’t to say I don’t enjoy writing the Sense of Submission series.  I think this twist I have given the universe makes for a something new and interesting.  If you’ve seen my table of continues you know I am planning 5 stories in total and I just wouldn’t do that if I didn’t like what was going on.

So if I am not going to choose the most popular pair than how would I even choose?  I don’t really think I even have a favorite overall.  I usually just have a favorite of the moment, which can literally change from hour to hour.  As I am writing this, if I really had to choose a favorite right now I guess I would have to say Ginny/Lord Voldemort, but I am pretty sure that won’t last the hour…

So that brings me back to just writing a verity of pairings and playing it by what I am into at the moment and what fits the story best.  I’m interested to know what you guys think.  What pairing of mine is your favorite?  I’m going to put a poll here so it will be an easy question to answer.

Oct4

A Schedule

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Yay it’s posting day!  😀 For those of you who are interested I just posted Face of War Chapter 12: United!  That means we only have two more chapters left before the story is done.  What do you guys think?  Will everything come together in the end and finally push back this new dark empire?  For a hint there is a whole other book after this one.  It is called Face of Death and should be started… sometime.

I really need to make a real schedule I know!  Well I do have a posting schedule for the next couple of months!  So I thought I would share what I plan to bring you.  I hope to keep this going so everyone knows what to expect and what I am working on.  I  plan to update you again either at the beginning of November or as soon as I know myself, whichever comes first… 😉

October Schedule

[10/11/15] Face of War- Chapter 13: Two Fragments
[10/18/15] Face of War- Chapter 14: What is Precious
[10/25/15] Moon Guard- Chapter 1: The Blood on Her Hands

November Schedule

[11/01/15] Moon Guard- Chapter 2: To Live or Die
[11/08/15] Moon Guard- Chapter 3: Suffering
[11/15/15] Moon Guard- Chapter 4: Body & Mind
[11/22/15] Moon Guard- Chapter 5: Conditioning

Just in case no one looks at the table of contents, Moon Guard is my Halloween story!

Jul21

Writer’s Rant

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Writing is hard.  Writing for me is taking out a little bit of who I am and showing it to anyone who wants to see.  Well at least when I post what I write on the web it is.  Which is just about everything I write.  I don’t keep a journal, well I do… but you are reading right now… so does that count?  Every time I post a new chapter, or even blog post I get this little nervous feeling about how people are going to see me because of what I have said.  I hide behind my pen name so that if you have a problem with what I have said, the worst you can do is send me a nasty comment or review.  But honestly… that is the worst thing I can imagine happening.  I’ve talked about in a pervious post what I do with reviews and how I deal with negative ones so I won’t go into that again.  But it is something that is always on my mind.

Writing is easy.  As many of my readers know (Not that I really think I have many readers) I have a lot of ideas about things I want to write.  I and others call these ideas plot bunnies.  I have a word doc named Story Ideas in it I put a quick summary tittle and any other info I think I will need in outline form.  In this outline I have 22 different tittles.  Some of these tittles are finished and are crossed out, others are currently being written and posted, some have not been touched while others have separate docs full of notes.  So really I am never really have a lack of ideas.

Dreams are painful. Katharine Whitehorn said “Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.”  When what you like doing best is writing that is a very hard thing to do.  Honestly I would love to make writing my work and my life.  I would love to write more original fiction and making a living at it. I’m not even talking about becoming rich and famous.  I would love to make ends meet with my writing.  That is my secret dark dream that I don’t really say too loudly because it hurts to much.  I’ve had this dream for as long as I can remember.  There are family stories about how I used to tell stories that never ended.  I never writing little things on our first family computer back when I was 8 or 9.  If you have gotten this far in my post you may be asking why the dream hurts so much?  The simple answer is, I know I am not good enough.

Why I post.  I post my work to share it and get feedback.  There is nothing that makes me feel more pleased than knowing someone is reading what I have written.  When I post on this website, I can’t help but look at the numbers on hits and views and I find myself checking out the websites stats.  When I post two FF.net I smile at every follow or favorite as well as every review. (Not including negative reviews)  When I post to AFF.org I find myself glancing to how the “views” count has gone up since I posted my last chapter.

What I write.  I write the stories I want to read.  Though I find it odd I do this, because I don’t get the same pleasure out of reading my own work that I get out of reading others.  This is for a couple reasons I think.  First, nothing surprises you when you know how it ends and sometimes that is half the fun.  Second, I’m not as good as the writers I enjoy.  Back to what I write.  Much if my all of my fiction as a bit of Dom/sub context to it.  The only exception I can think to this fact is Blind Nymph, it is oddly lacking in the BDSM department.  Even other stories that I write which I consider non erotic have Dom/sub elements such as my Face series.  I enjoy reading about strong subs so I write about them.  I enjoy reading about Evil or Dark Doms so I write about them.  But a lot of times I feel in the minority.

I think my rant is done now… Hope it wasn’t too confusing.

Nov16

Sidebar vs Topbar and other random thoughts

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First off I am sorry this is late, I know I said I would be posting it on Thursday, but I have class that night and I forgot.  For anyone who is interested though The Nine Tribes: Unrest has been updated and chapter 4 is up!  I am now only one chapter ahead of these post so its updating may slow down a bit, we will see.  You know I don’t like rushing chapters either because then they are not as good as they could be.

In other things.  The sidebar is starting to get comically long.  I am thinking about taking my stories off of it and just having the links at the top, what do people think of that idea?  I want people to be able to easily find the stories they wish to read, but I don’t want the page to be unruly.

As for the surprise I said I would be posting on my birthday, well that didn’t happen.  I have it written, but my beta just got to it today so I have had time to think about it, and I think I will hold off on posting any of it till I have a few less projects ongoing.

Nov5

My Muse

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For some a muse is a tangible person.  Usually being around their muse helps inspire the artist/writer/whatever to create.  For others, like myself, our muse is more the part of ourselves that gets inspired.  It is that little voice in our heads that tells us it is time to create.

I have learned many things about my muse over the years, and many more things since I started to write again a few months ago. The first one should know about her, is she is stubborn.  When she wants to work on a particle project she is only going to inspire me for that project.  If I try to work on things she is not currently interested in she fights me tooth and nail.  Her weapons of choice are usually distraction and very bad writing on my part.  I have deleted more than a few chapters because when I reread them they were just…awful.

The second thing you should know about my muse is she is sort of a flake.  She skips here and there without a care.  I have found there is no real rhyme or reason to what she becomes interested in.  I have found myself working on one project for a few minutes only to find that now she wants to work on a different one.  Sometimes the new project is just that, new.  She whispers like a temping devil in my ear: “why don’t we write a story about this and that?”  Even though I have four other projects already going.  I have finally had to put my foot down on that one, as I do currently have six projects being written.  Two of which get worked on very slowly and you may not see for a few months.

The third and final thing you need to know about my muse is that she is kind of a pervert.  Or at least that is what she has been lately.  For some reason that I do not know, she has much preferred to work on my erotica stories rather than my more serious ones.  Which is why Face of War and Blind Nymph (Just realized I have not posted the latter on this site at all, will work on fixing that today) have been updated so sparsely as of late.

So this is a little about my muse, I hope it helps people understand why I post what I post when I post it.  I would be interested in hearing about other people’s muses as well!  Do you have the same difficulties, or completely different ones?

Oct27

Fantasy vs Reality

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What is Fantasy?  According to Google it is “the faculty or activity of imagining things esp. things that are impossible or improbable.”  So when people have fantasies they don’t necessarily think they are going to come true.  When people have sexual fantasies they are usually nice things to think about while you search for some kind of private release.

What is Reality?  For me, reality is the things that are actually going on around us.

So lets apply these ideas to a BDSM relationship.  The reality of a healthy relationship is based on trust and openness.  There is a lot of talking about what the sub wants and needs, and what the Dom wants and needs.  What the sub and Dom are willing to do and what they would not be willing to do.  What one’s hard lines are and what their soft lines are.  They are a beautiful partnership about fulfilling the needs of the other.  This type of relationship comes in many forms and will look different for each couple as they find what is best for them.

Fantasies in these relationships will usually look different than the reality.  While playing out a fantasy it will usually seem as if the Dom is only serving their own needs.  To an outsider it may even seem as if the Dom is abusing or hurting the sub, when in fact they are giving the sub everything he or she really desires.

The use of safe words help keep the fantasy alive.  The sub can be screaming “no please stop” and really be meaning “Harder Master, you missed a spot!”

Now you may be wondering why I am ranting or rather rambling about BDSM fantasy.  The simple answer is that my fiction, and other fiction like it, is another way for Doms and subs to explore our darker fantasies. For some it is a way of exploring fantasies are so dark that they are hard to bring to play time for safety reasons.  Others, like myself, don’t yet have a partner to explore their fantasies with, so writing or reading fiction like mine helps to give us some outlet for these desires.

I’ve been told a few times that my stories do not describe a healthy BDSM relationship.  That some or more of the characters are abusive, and even rapists, they are manipulative and cruel.  To those of you who think this, I 100% agree.  But my stories are not supposed to be the reflections of the reality, they are meant to reflect the fantasy, the play time.

I know this has been a ramble, and I am going to warn you guys, I think most of my non story posts will be.  But I hope this helps with some of the confusion and gives everyone an insight on where my stories come from and why they are the way they are.

Comments and Discussions are always welcome!

Oct27

New Update

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So I haven’t figured out how to make a chapter NOT take over the whole front page if I post it as a post.  So new plan, I will be be just posting them as pages and write a post that tells you when I new chapter is up.

That being said I will be updating both The Smell of Submission and Quidditch Lesson in a few moments!  Expect another couple of updates to Quidditch Lesson in the near future as I am working on writing the last chapter now, and the second to last chapter is being on hold till my beta has time to read it.

In other news I have decided to pause the Quidditch Lesson series once the first book is done.  I have so many projects right now that something had to give, and between books seems like the best place to pause something.

I feel so bad that Blind Nymph and Face of War have both been on pause for over a month simply because my muse is a pervert…  For those of you who are fans, do not worry they are still being worked on, just slowly.